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"Who can write music
When their ears have never heard
what a song sounds like
If they've always believed in the words like
Logic and probability
They never would have heard
Beethoven's 5th symphony

I always wish that
I was just a bit smarter
and that I had
The original ideas of Edison
And the beauty of everyone
And everything else that I am not

This is inadequate praise
To say that I have less to offer
Whatever You gave is enough
To proclaim and tell of my Creator

Do you find it an insult
When I constantly second guess myself
And I wish you had used different brushes
To add finishing touches
Or had just painted something else

This is inadequate praise
To say that I have less to offer
Whatever You gave is enough
To proclaim and tell of my Creator

I have been given all that I need
To bring You glory
No one else in the world
Can tell my story

I don't have notes to sing
I have nothing to offer
But a stone and sling
So maybe today I'll sing the harmony
I'll step back, let You lead
Stop questioning your ways and choose you
And the daughter that you're making me into

This is inadequate praise To say that I have less to offer Whatever You gave is enough To proclaim and tell of my Creator" Serena Eddlemon - A SAU student

You may be wondering why I posted the lyrics to that song on this blog. Well, I'll tell you. (Imagine that!)

I've had a lot on my mind recently. I'd gotten VERY far away from God. My prayer life consisted of a prayer before meals, if I remembered. I felt awkward everytime I went to church or vespers or worships. I was unhappy. I was grouchy. I snapped at Jordan when he did nothing wrong. We were having problems because of it. Two days in a row I burst into tears and just couldnt stop crying because something was wrong, but I just didnt know what. I was so frustrated that I couldn't fix it, that I didn't even know what "it" was! I felt helpless and hopeless. I'm lucky that Jordan is still around, cause I was a wreck. I don't know how he managed to not go insane. But I love him for it.

A couple weekends ago, Miss Elizabeth came to visit. She was one of our sponsors when we were in the Extreme Teens, and is one of my dearest friends. The day she was in town, Jordan and I went over to Debbie's house to visit with her. It was a Sabbath. We skipped church to go. We had a pancake breakfast, and some wonderful catching-up time. Other friends were there too, all of which had something I didnt. I could see it.

In the afternoon, the Bibles came out. Not a surprise considering who was there, but again, I felt awkward. At first. After a while, I started to feel more comfortable, and realized, THAT was what was wrong! I'd let myself get so far away from God, I let myself believe I could do everything on my own, school, family, my relationship with Jordan. But I wasn't able to do it alone, and that was my problem!

Since that weekend, a group of 3 other girls and I have started working out together, and we pray together after each work out. Jordan and I have been getting together in the morning before classes to have a mini-worship together, and we pray. We've been praying together before we go our separate ways at night. I've started reading my Bible again on my own, and finding things I'd forgotten, and that I'd never known.

And you know what? I feel better! I'm not depressed anymore. I'm happy more. I'm starting to feel better about myself, which is being helped by working out with my friends. I think I've gotten out of the rut I was in. Pray I dont fall back in. This is only the beginning for me, and it's been hard. I have some bad habits I need to break. Jordan and I still have a couple issues we're working through. But I know it's worth it.

Now, you may be wondering what all that has to do with the song at the top of the post. Don't worry, I'm getting there.

The song talks about wishing we were better, or more, about not feeling "up to par" with what God deserves. It's about seeing other people as being "better" and myself as not. When I was depressed, that was one of my biggest problems. I was not good enough for Jordan, and I was not good enough for God.

I didn't see myself doing anything worth while. I couldn't imagine having a cause, having goals, having purpose. I just felt empty. I felt like I was stuck in a hampster wheel with no escape, doomed to just run in circles for no good reason. I felt like a waste of my parents money, I wasn't living up to college tuition. It wasn't worth it, cause I was never going to amount to anything. I had no point.

Jordan was the only person who knew what I was going through, and even he didn't know all of it. I hid things well. My parents didnt even know something was wrong, as far as I know.

Even after starting up my relationship with God again, I've still been struggling with not meaning much. There are so many more people who know exactly what it is they are supposed to be doing for God. They have talents, they have looks, they have goals, and I just don't.

I don't get perfect grades. I'm not slender. I don't think I'm exceptionally pretty. Everyone else has something I dont, no matter what it is.

And then I listened to this song. Over and over.

I was sitting in Jordan's car, trying to study for a test. He was outside doing something. When he came in to sit beside me, I was listening to this song for about the 5th time. I was leaning back, staring at the ceiling, trying not to cry. The line of the song that says " the beauty of everyone " he whispered to me, "I don't want the beauty of everyone, I want the beauty of you. You're the only one that matters." And the floodgates burst.

In that simple comment, he told me that I WAS good enough. That I don't have to be "everyone." I can just be me.

I kept listening to the song, my face buried in Jordan's chest, soaking his t-shirt.

Do you find it an insult
When I constantly second guess myself
And I wish you had used different brushes
To add finishing touches
Or had just painted something else

I sobbed. How many times had I wished God had done something, ANYTHING, different that would have made me special. And when I heard that verse, thoughts kept running through my head.

I am a woman.
I am a girlfriend.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister. (4 times over)
I am a college student.
I have red hair.
I'm curvy. (I don't have to be slender)
I am a photographer.
I am a writer.
I will be a wife. A mother.
I am a friend.
I have friends who love me.
I see the world totally different than anyone else.
No one else will see the world like I do.
I have a special story. I'm the only one who can tell it.
I have meaning.
I have goals.
I have someone who loves me, who will, and has, stuck by me through hell.
I am God's child.
I am special.

God has found countless ways to show me how special I am, I just haven't looked for them. He gave me Jordan. He gave me my family. And most recently, He has given me a circle of friends.

Last year, I had a very small social circle. It consisted mainly of Jordan. That alone caused problems for us. We wanted to change that this year. And it has. I have some wonderful girls who came just in the nick of time to support me when I needed it. Even if they didn't know it.

So, if any of you read this, Debbie, Alyssa, Sarah, Linda, know that I love you all very much. I'm so glad we're all here at the same time. We're at different stages in life, college, heck, we're even all different body types! But we're all beautiful women. You guys have helped me see that I really am a woman, and I am beautiful. (not in a vain way.) Thank you for being my strong support. You have no idea what that means to me.


And Jordan, I love you with all my heart. I don't know how you did it, but thank you for having such patience with me. I know I was a beast to deal with, but thank you for sticking by me. Keep supporting me. I'll do my best to support you, but I think you're a stronger person than me right now. I'm still growing. I'm always here for you. I love you.